Sailor V Emails
by JTHailstorm42
Summary: When an interdimensional computer fall from the sky, what would you do? Well Minako called dibs and now weird things are happening. She now gets questions from people from different dimensions. Welcome to the madness.
1. Mythological Creature

**_Aye, welcome one and all to my madness. After watching some Strong Bad Emails and some SMCA, I thought to myself, "Hmmm I wonder. What if one of the senshi answered emails like Strong Bad?" Then I had to figure out who would be the best candidate and how would they do it. I'm a child of the 90's so I decided to stick with stuff dated prior to 1999._**

 ** _So after all who's to say that an interdimensional computer couldn't fall from the sky? Who's to say that Minako called dibs on it? Where is The Cheat? What are you waiting for? RR_**

Email #1: Mythological Creature 

The blonde made her way into her room where they agreed to keep the really cool and awesome computer that appeared from the future as a gift. Since there were so many paradoxes created, the senshi of time, Setsuna had no problems with them keeping the computer. She fought with Ami about keeping the device and she won by use of blackmail.

Ami would do anything to keep her smutty romance novels she's authored a secret. It didn't take Minako long to figure out that A.M. Icestorm was in fact Ami Mizuno.

Minako scooted her desk chair in and she turned the computer on. The screen turned on with a chime vaguely familiar to the failed Mango computer company's startup noise.

"Time to check the emails!" Minako exclaimed.

Artemis looked up from her bed and yawned.

"I told you not to play with that interdimensional computer," Artemis said.

"Yeah, yeah," she was typing in the function for her email. "You also told me that you didn't get into the Christmas tinsel."

"Touché," Artemis said.

]lovegoddess69_email.exe_

Subject: Mythological Creature

Dear Sailor V,

If you can be a mythological creature, what would you be.

Your friend,

Olenna T.

From Highgarden, NH

Minako sat back in her chair and tapped her chin. She really wanted to answer the question but she couldn't think of any creature. So she turned to the only source of inspiration in her room, the mirror. After staring into the mirror she was no closer to an answer so she turned to Artemis.

"Artemis, what would you be?" Minako asked.

"I'm a talking cat," Artemis said.

"You are absolutely no help at all," Minako turned back to the computer and started typing.

]Olenna,

I'm not sure what I would be. Artemis (my cat) is no help when it comes to thinking up an idea. I'm sure Ami, Usagi, or Michiru know what they'd be. But me, I don't know.

I guess it would be cool to be one of those bird horse things, what are they called? A pegasus? A hippogriff? Just being an awesome creature that flies would be cool.

Then again it would be nice to be a lazy talking cat too.

Until next time,

Sailor V

There were printer noises coming out of nowhere and a paper dropped from the ceiling. Minako flailed as she fell from her chair.

"What the hell is that?" Minako shouted as she got up and hid behind Artemis.

Artemis sighed, "I told you not to play with the computer."


	2. Video Games

**Email #2: Video Games**

Minako walked into the room and set a box on the bed in front of Artemis. The cat jumped up in surprise. He hissed at the box as he sat down.

Artemis glared at the joyful blonde as she danced over to the computer.

"What is this?" Artemis asked.

"It's the brand new Hyperion Dreamstation," Minako said.

Artemis looked inside the box and all he saw was a bunch of parts. He looked at Minako dumbfounded by the contents of the box.

"It's a box of parts," Artemis said.

"That's why I need you to put it together while I answer an email," Minako said.

"Mina, no!" Artemis whined.

"I can't hear you over the startup sound," Minako lied. She continued waiting for the computer to start. Once started, she started typing away.

] **lovegoddess69_email.exe_**

 **Subject: Video Games**

 **Dear Sailer V**

 **If u cood make video game wut kind wood you make?**

 **From**

 **Alec D. Of AK**

Minako was appalled by the lack of proper English in the email. She looked over her shoulder to check on Artemis.

] **Alec,**

 **Stop being such a pleb. Even I can write better than you can and English is my second language.**

 **Also are you from a gun or something? Do Americans worship guns in your dimension? Or are you from elsewhere?**

 **Anyway, interesting question. If I were to make a game it would have a really cool protagonist. Maybe someone like me or maybe Haruka, I mean she's amazing.**

 **Also it would have really cool scenery that would distract you from the actual game. I mean the graphics would be amazing, crisp, and smooth. So it would be aesthetically pleasing.**

 **The gameplay would be a little difficult but it would be fun. I would create a system where the player would have to monitor their character's gauges like food, drink, and other stats. If you get too tired you die, or if you get too thirsty or hungry you would die. Just take care of your character so you don't die.**

 **I would also have a HP system that would be realistic but you'd be able to heal yourself with different sources.**

 **The storyline would be about the protagonist searching for an asshole who tries to kill you. Along the way you can help others or just kill everything in your path, but everything has consequences. You will also meet some really cool people who can help you. Then there's a web of problems surrounding you and you have the power to change the future.**

 **Good question.**

 **Until next time,**

 **Sailor V**

Minako turned around and saw Artemis tangled up in wires with a screwdriver in his mouth. She shook her head as she got up to go help him out.

Then the printer noises happened and the paper popped out. It startled Minako and she fell over


	3. Dear Artemis

Email #3: Dear Artemis

Minako danced into the room and hummed a delightful tune. Behind her trailed a tired Artemis. They had returned from a mission.

The blonde turned the computer on.

"Gonna check some emails," Minako sang.

] **lovegoddess69_email.exe_**

 **Subject: Dealing with Girls**

 **Dear Artemis,**

 **How do you deal with teenage girls? I am barely sane enough to write this email. My daughter is crazy. Send help.**

 **From,**

 **Bob T. TX**

Minako glared back at Artemis who was sprawled on the floor.

"Artemis, someone sent me your email," Minako said.

Artemis lay motionless. Minako got up and carried Artemis to the computer and set him on the desk. The white tomcat glanced up and read the message. He then stood up and started typing away with his little paws.

] **Bob,**

 **Do you even know how I was before I found Minako? I was a super spy cat. I was able to deactivate any trap, hack any computer, and disarm bombs.**

 **When the Boss ordered me to find the leader of the guard, I was excited until I found out who I was dealing with.**

 **I love Minako but she can be a handful sometimes. Even if I'm not super cat anymore, I am proud that Minako is growing up into a beautiful young woman.**

 **I'm glad I don't have to deal with the others. Luna looks like she's having quite the time with Usagi.**

 **Bob, just take a deep breath and try to be firm. All teens are crazy. If she's worse than I think then call the cops or arm yourself with tranquilizer darts.**

 **Signed,**

 **Artemis**

Minako picked Artemis up and hugged him. She squeezed him so tight that he was begging for air.

The paper dropped from the ceiling and scared Minako enough to drop Artemis.


	4. Children's Books

Email #4: Children's books 

Minako walked in the room with Ami.

"I used the computer and now there is a paper that falls from out of nowhere," Minako said.

Ami nodded her head as Minako described her situation.

Artemis was sprawled out near the computer. He looked up but quickly went back to sleep. The white tomcat wanted nothing to do with the episode.

"I told you to let me have the computer," Ami said.

"You also told me that you didn't kiss-" Minako was interrupted by Ami's hand.

"Okay, I get it. You have a lot of stuff on me," Ami said.

Minako shrugged because she was only bluffing. She removed Ami's hand and walked over to the computer.

She turned the computer on. When it started she started typing away.

]lovegoddess69_email.exe_

Subject: Children's Books

Dear Sailor V,

I need help writing a book. My publisher has been breathing down my back about extending my deadline ten times. I'm a children's book author and I need help.

From,

Sleekfish Joe

Austin, TX

"Seriously? You get emails from beings from other universes?" Ami asked.

"Yeah, and apparently some of them are from guns," Minako said.

]Joe,

You sound more like a shitty fanfic writer.

I can help but you owe me.

First off I dislike children so it will not be for them. So this will most likely piss off your editor. Let me start off for you.

The Goat Who Thought He Could Fly

By Sailor V

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who was a guard to another equally beautiful princess, and she was guarding the door to the royal court. She was usually bored but she liked living.

One day a goat with a Texas Rangers hat walked up to her and asked if she could help him entertain children. She smiled at the goat and picked him up. The princess carried the goat to the tallest ledge and threw him off the cliff.

The goat flew for a moment then he died.

The End

My services aren't free. I'm expecting a hefty sum for that story.

Until next time,

Sailor V

Minako turned to Ami and pointed up.

"Paper, you know what to do," Minako said. She waited for the paper to drop. The paper didn't drop. "You picked a great time to jam."

"I have better things to do," Ami said.

As she started to leave the paper finally dropped. The noise startled Ami.

"Oh my," Ami said.

"I told you!" Minako shouted.


	5. The Others

Email #5: The Others

Minako was gone on a trip to The Land of Green Jello to defeat the bad guy known as Texas Red. Usagi was entrusted with the duty of looking after Artemis. This was only because Artemis was under the weather.

Usagi entered the room with Luna. She carried a bunch of bags containing all forms of medicine and other alternative medicines. Rei soon followed.

Rei was there to make sure Usagi didn't mess anything up.

"I don't know why you brought all this junk with you," Rei said.

"I want to be prepared for anything," Usagi replied. She set the bags near Artemis.

Luna simply rolled her eyes and hopped onto the bed to check on Artemis.

Usagi noticed the computer and looked at Rei.

"You know nothing about computers so don't touch it," Rei said.

Rei walked over and turned it on.

"No fair, why do you get to play with it?" Usagi whined.

"Because I know what I'm doing," Rei said. She noticed a bunch sticky notes on the desk.

 _Email: lovegoddess69_email.exe__

 _Check it every so often._

 _Make fun of their grammar skills._

 _Kick ass!_

 _Also ignore emails from Alec D._

Rei turned the computer on and waited for it to start.

"What are you doing?" Usagi asked.

"Just gathering blackmail for later," Rei said.

"Don't…play with the *cough* computer," Artemis said rather weakly.

] **lovegoddess69_email.exe_**

 **Subject: Friends**

 **Dear Sailor V,**

 **Who is your best friend?**

 **From,**

 **Damn Kid, UK**

Rei snickered and started typing.

] **Kid,**

 **My best friend is none other than Rei. She's not only smart, she's also drop dead gorgeous. I mean, who wouldn't want her as a best friend? She's great.**

 **Until next time,**

 **Sailor V**

She turned around and another email popped on the screen.

] **Rei,**

 **Get off the computer. Also my best friend is none other than Snoot-Snoot the dragon.**

 **From,**

 **Minako**

 **P.S.**

 **You are pretty attractive.**

Everyone stared at the computer and blinked. The paper dropped down from the ceiling and startled the girls. Rei ended up burning the paper with a talisman hidden in her shirt.


	6. Love

Email #6: Love

Minako walked in with Snoot-Snoot and Artemis. Snoot-Snoot carried a folder filled labeled **A. Mizuno [Confidential].**

Snoot-Snoot put the file on Minako's desk. Minako sat down on the chair.

"We're gonna win the best character contest next time," Minako said.

"Ugh," Artemis sighed.

"Just cause you got least favorite character doesn't mean that you get to be salty Sally," Minako said.

"At least I'm not blackmailing my friend to win some stupid contest," Artemis said.

Snoot-Snoot growled at Artemis as he sat by the talking cat. Minako tossed a treat to Snoot-Snoot and he ate in contentment.

"Time to make fun of people," Minako said.

] **lovegoddess69_email.exe_**

 **Subject: Love**

 **I think I'm in love with someone and I don't know how to tell them. I'm afraid of being rejected and also afraid of being hurt.**

 **From,**

 **Jaxon H., UT**

"Awww," Minako cooed. "He sounds cute."

] **Jax,**

 **I'm honored that you came to me, the incarnation of the goddess of love. First off don't be afraid of rejection, you'll just have to be persistent enough to eventually get a date.**

 **Just go up to your crush and literally throw yourself at them. If they catch you then they have to date you. It's like a law or something.**

 **Just don't be afraid of hurt or rejection. I mean you can't be that bad, unless you're a 200kg neckbeard nerd who lives in a basement filled with rotting dreams and cheez ball dust, you should be okay if you aren't the nerd.**

 **Until next time,**

 **Sailor V**

She sent the email and turned to Artemis. The white cat sighed and laid his head down. Snoot-Snoot then nommed on Artemis' tail.

The paper fell and scared Snoot-Snoot.

"I can't believe I'm used of the paper," Minako said.

"I wish you would stop playing with the computer," Artemis groaned as he fixed his tail hairs

 ** _Hey guys! So I'm glad you stuck with me this far. Hopefully I can update this at least weekly, but if I don't then I'll drop an Email bomb the following week._**

 ** _If you want to ask Sailor V a question just drop me a comment or a PM. Who knows, maybe your question will be answered. Or if you want to ask another character something, I think I can make it happen. Like if you want to ask Haruka about pickup lines or maybe you want to know what Hotaru thinks about Cassini's plunge into Saturn. Or maybe you want Ami to explain something smart...actually don't ask that._**

 ** _Personally I love Arty. He such a lovable cat who is more of a father figure to Minako than her real father. Plus he's the voice of reason to sorta mellow the crazy Minako._**


	7. Zombies!

Email #7: Zombies!

Minako was carried into the room by Haruka and Michiru. The couple then lay the unconscious blonde on the bed.

They had been fighting a giant can of irradiated Big Red. It had been like fighting Godzilla but with soda. Minako was hit with a direct Soda Stream attack. The others were just as injured as Minako was.

"Emails, must check," Minako muttered.

Haruka shrugged and walked by the computer. She glanced at the notes on the desk. The curious blonde then sat on the chair and started up the computer.

"So this is the computer that Ami wanted," Haruka said.

"Do you really think we should mess with that thing?" Michiru said.

"I want to check this out," Haruka said. She started typing away.

]lovegoddess69_email.exe_

Subject: Zombies!

Dear Sailor V,

Would you mind asking Haruka what her zombie plan is? This is for a friend….

Your friend,

Ricardo G., ATL

Haruka laughed as she looked back at Michiru.

"I told you that I'm not crazy," Haruka said.

"I told you that we would be killed within the week because of the-" Michiru said but she was cut off by Haruka pulling out a barbed wire baseball bat from underneath Minako's desk.

"Minako and I are prepared to keep Usagi safe from Zombies!" Haruka declared.

]Ricardo,

Haruka speaking or rather typing. My zombie plan is a secret but we are prepared. What I would suggest is arming yourself with a Python revolver or a shotgun. The Chibi-Michi I'm holding is a guaranteed zombie killer. Also be sure to keep up on cardio and be sure to have enough strength to use weapons efficiently.

Don't listen to Debbie Downers like Michiru, who claim that your plan won't work. It will and they are just jealous.

Signed,

Haruka

P.S.

How do you know my secret identity?

"Chibi-Michi?" Michiru asked.

"Uh…" Haruka put the bat away and slowly backed away.

"Doghouse with Snoot-Snoot," Michiru said.

The paper dropped down and both women held each other. They backed away slowly.


	8. What is are Snoot-Snoot

Email #8: What is are Snoot-Snoot?

Minako walked in the room with Snoot-Snoot, and Haruka. She noticed that Snoot-Snoot took a liking to Haruka and it was the same vice-versa. Maybe it was because they shared the same living space or maybe it was because they were both punished by Michiru.

Minako sat at the computer desk waiting for Artemis to say something about how she shouldn't touch it. However, there was silence and more silence. Then she Snoot-Snoot sneezed and Artemis was teleported into the room.

"What the? Where...how?" Artemis asked as he looked around in disbelief.

"Artemis!" Minako cheered as swooped in to hug him only to fall flat on her face.

Haruka laughed. She then got up and walked over to the computer. The boyish blonde entered the credentials to the computer and read it aloud.

]lovegoddess69_email.exe_

Subject: What is are Snoot-Snoot?

Dear Sailor V,

I was wondering what the hell is Snoot-Snoot and where he came from and why he sounds like a cheap ripoff of the Cheat.

Your friend,

Redd

Haruka looked back at Snoot-Snoot and nodded.

]Redd,

I must ask who you are exactly. Snoot-Snoot is a lovable purple dragon but that's all we'll tell you. I have no idea what the Cheat is.

Signed and blocked by,

Sailor V

"I won't let anyone harm you Snoot-Snoot," Haruka said before the paper fell. She gave no reaction to it. "By the way can you teleport Michiru here?"

Snoot-Snoot sneezed and Michiru was teleported completely un-

"End the episode!" Minako shouted as she pulled the paper down to cover the screen.


	9. A Total Eclipse of the Heart

Email #9: A Total Eclipse of the Heart

Laying on her bed staring at the ceiling she sighed before turning to her side and curling up into a ball. The room was dark and there was Bonnie Tyler playing. It created a sad mood.

There was a knock on her door then Rei walked in. The raven-haired beauty sat beside her and said nothing. It was just the two girls.

Artemis was helping Luna and Ami figure out what Snoot-Snoot was. Haruka was back with Michiru. Everyone seemed to have something to do except her. She had no idea what Makoto, Chibi-Usa, Hotaru, Mamoru, Usagi, or Setsuna was doing, but it was probably fun.

Minako was heartbroken.

"You know you wouldn't have had a chance with him," Rei said.

Minako lay silently as Rei got up and walked over to the computer.

"I thought he loved me," Minako said as she held back tears.

"You can't expect an interdimensional guy to come into this world without Haruka chopping them in half or having them run away from you then getting chopped in half," Rei said. She logged onto the computer. "I think Haruka likes chopping people in half."

"No, she likes smashing their heads in with Chibi-Michi," Minako sobbed.

]lovegoddess69_email.exe_

Rei started reading the email aloud.

Subject: A Matter of Love

Dear Sailor V,

Is Rei single? I'm asking for a friend. Also is Ami dating Mako?

Love,

Jo, Alabama NY

"You want me to answer?" Rei asked.

"Yes," Minako said before burying her head in the pillow.

]Jo,

Rei is actually madly in love with me. Ami is not dating Mako, and the real situation is quite confusing that I dare not answer. Also, how do you guys know our identities?

Until Next Time,

Sailor V

Rei sighed as she turned to see Minako still sobbing. She longed to comfort the one she loved. The only thing stopping her was being startled by the paper.


	10. Dear Haruka

Email #10: Dear Haruka

Haruka carried Minako to the bed before tossing her there only for the blonde to bounce off and rest on the floor. They had fought with a giant hamster that had a fetish for swords. The boyish blonde cringed as she reflected back on the hamster getting it on with the space sword.

She shrugged as she left Minako on the floor. Haruka wanted to check the emails.

]lovegoddess69_email.exe_

Subject: Question for Haruka

Dear Haruka,

Why were you so upset when Usagi jumped into master pharaoh 90 ( Sailor Moon Crystal / Manga) ? Do you have feelings for her? Or is it just the classic ' I'm only upset because I couldn't protect her' ? I mean, Sailor Moon ( even Usagi) sometimes do crazy things and she is and was always fine after everything. Do you feel THAT responsible that she jumped into some alien in order to kill it?

Sincerely,

Adrienette-starco-shipper

Haruka thought about what to say.

]Yo,

Why was I upset? She's the most important person in the galaxy and she jumps in there like Pharaoh 90 was going to have tea with her. Saturn could've handled it on her own. However, Sailor Moon jumped in there.

From what I've noticed is that our little Princess does a lot of irresponsible things but they're in good faith. Each of us have the whole protection mentality but it is out of love. I mean it's like the concept of parenthood where a parent loves their child enough to protect them from their own stupidity. Though most parents don't have children who jump into the thing to kill a baddie.

I love her. She's cute. I like cute things. I protect cute things as well as the ones I love. I know she's the most powerful being in the universe but sometimes it's like she likes to play with toasters with forks in the bathtub.

So to put it plainly, it's a protector type thing.

Until next time,

Haruka

She looked back at the blonde sleeping peacefully on the floor. Haruka then left as the paper dropped.

* * *


End file.
